Ground Crew Member Survives 5 Days Inside Field Tarp

Frederico Farrenparra (foreground) survived fives days in a rolled-up field tarp at Shrine Field, home of the Fairfax Gray Sox. "I felt like a dirty most most of the time. When they unrolled the tarp, I wanted to fly to the light," he said.

Frederico Farrenparra (foreground) survived five days in a rolled-up field tarp at Shrine Field, home of the Fairfax Gray Sox. "I felt like a dirty moth most of the time. When they unrolled the tarp, I wanted to fly to the light," he said.

Fairfax, VA—A long-time member of the Gray Sox field crew, Frederico Farrenparra, 36, was found yesterday morning by fellow workers rolled up in a tarp that he had survived inside for five days. After an initial investigation, it appears Farrenparra, who is only 4 feet, 9 inches, tumbled into the tarp as the field crew rushed to uncover the diamond after a recent Gray Sox rain delay. “We were rolling up the tarp so fast, because the umpires wanted to get the game in. I slipped into the green tarp. My buddies just kept rolling it up,” said Farrenparra, who once worked as canon fodder for Ringling Brothers Circus. “I guess they didn’t see me, even though I was kicking my legs and screaming like an angry baby.”

Size May Have Been a Factor

Field crew chief Bobby Sissle could not be reached for comment yesterday, but sources close to Sissle, who is known to be one of the best tarp rollers in North America and even teaches clinics on the subject, said he was upset about quiet allegations of misconduct. “Bobby is a quick tarp roller, everyone knows that,” said the source. “He said Frederico is kind of small and slow, and he just got swept up in the tsunami of green plastic. Hey, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before.”

Prayer, Centipedes, and Rain Water

Farrenparra said he survived by praying nonstop, eating centipedes that crossed his path, and slurping rain water trapped inside the tarp. “I could breathe, so it wasn’t too bad. Plus, I began to feel like a moth, so I prayed to the patron saint of moths, Saint Pablo.” The saint, born is 1842, was known to have an uncanny ability to domesticate moths. He took swarms of them for walks in his native Dominican village. He achieved canonization for teaching moths to rest for hours on his enormous ears.

A Man-Moth Emerges

A witness, who didn’t want his name used, said Farrenparra emerged from the tarp squinting and flapping his arms “very much like a moth.” Farrenparra also climbed a light pole to be “as close to the light as possible,” according to the witness.

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

2008
08/06
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Sad Sacks: Sox Pitcher Traded for 5 Ferrets, Flat-Screen TV

Fairfax, VA—As the MSBL trade deadline approaches on Thursday, the Gray Sox announced the trade of relief pitcher Sorrel Sacks to the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters of the Japanese Baseball League for five ferrets and a flat-screen TV. 

 

Yoshii Min, ferret trainer for the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters, shows off one of the ferrets traded to the Gray Sox for relief pitcher Sorrel Sacks.

Yoshii Min, ferret trainer for the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters, shows off one of the ferrets traded to the Gray Sox for relief pitcher Sorrel Sacks.

“I’ve often heard guys joke around that so-and-so was traded for a bag of balls, but I’ve never heard of someone literally being swapped for commodities that have no ability to help this baseball team,” said Sox team spokesman Jimmy “Dinks” Knowlan. “I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a ferret turn a [expletive] 6-4-3 double play. I’m starting to wonder if management has some other agenda they’re not sharing with us.”

Sacks: “I Should Have Seen It Coming”

Sorrel Sacks said he should have seen the writing on the wall a week ago when the team equipment manager placed ferret feed in Sacks’ locker instead of his uniform. I thought it was pretty strange, but I guess it all makes sense now,” said a clearly upset Sacks. “I even snacked on some of the feed and chased it with a beer. It really wasn’t that bad, to tell you the truth.” Sacks had a career 2-24 record with the Sox, and he was perhaps best known for accidentally inhaling and swallowing a large moth during a humid and bug-filled evening in 2006. He choked, lost consciousness, and was revived by team trainers on the mound. “From that point on, I always pitched with my mouth closed,” Sacks said yesterday. “It was a life lesson.”

(By Monty Huekle, staff writer for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its teams.)

2008
07/29
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Sex, Drugs, Bonnaroo…and Baseball?

Fairfax, VA—In yet another public relations gaffe committed by the Gray Sox, thousands of hopeful teenagers and twentysomethings converged on the team’s stadium this weekend for what they thought would be a celebration of sex, drugs and the music festival Bonnaroo. (The real Bonnaroo festival, held for three days in mid-June in Manchester, TN, featured such musical luminaries as Pearl Jam, Kanye West, and Death Cab for Cutie.)

The young people were lured to Shrine Field by what they thought would be “Bonnaroo 2—A Love-in With Purpose.” A flood of Gray Sox PR efforts touted the so-called Bonnaroo 2 for weeks. Unfortunately for the estimated 10,000 young people who made the pilgrimage, Bonnaroo 2 wasn’t a cultural or musical festival at all. Instead, the event simply marked the promotion of a new player from the team’s AAA team in Des Moines: Jesus Bonnaroo, a promising infielder from the Dominican Republic who made news while in Des Moines because of an accident involving farm equipment and several homing pigeons.

No Sex, No Drugs, But Free Hot Dogs

 

bonnaroo attendees

Confused "Bonnaroo 2" attendees wait outside Shrine Field. "And where the hell is Death Cab for Cutie?" said Marty Boardman (pictured, center). "I traveled from Massachusetts to see lousy baseball? This is a clear case of entrapment, and I'd talk to my attorney if I had one."

 “I don’t understand how this could have happened,” said a confused teenager. “We had such a great time at Bonnaroo in June, so we thought the promoters were just following up with another show by calling it ‘Bonnaroo 2.’ News spread fast online. We just text-messaged friends, and it snow balled, I guess. Here we are. I just really need to take a piss.” 

“I love young people coming out to the park to watch the Sox,” said Sox owner Hiram “Happy” Maloney. “It shows the strength of our great game of baseball. We gave them each a complimentary hot dog and wished them a safe trip home.”

The young rowdies tossed the hot dogs on to the field followed by “assorted ointments, gels, and paperback copies of The Chronicles of Narnia,” according to members of the stadium’s field crew.

(Story Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its teams.)

2008
07/28
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Sox Players Heckled by Dirty Old Women

Fairfax, VA–Hettie and Bettie O’Banyon have been Gray Sox fans since the early 1970s, when Hettie, 72, fell in love with Sox outfielder Francisco “Lil Pepe” Guitierrez. “He was as brown as my boot, but I loved him dearly,” said O’Banyon. “He rubbed up against me during an autograph session. He smelled like burnt toast and Hi Karate. I fell for him right there.” O’Banyon and Guiterrez had a torrid relationship that lasted several years, until the Sox outfielder was deported to his native Dominican Republic for allegedly running a chicken-packaging operation from his refrigerated Pinto.

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

These days, Hettie and her sister Bettie, 74, are still passionate about a team that they believe has let them down. “There used to be cute boys on the Sox,” said Bettie. “But now they’re just average. They barely fill out their tight pants. And when they do fill them out, the proportions are all wrong. It looks like they’re smuggling deflated basketballs or dead rabbits. My sister and I are on fixed incomes, and we need to spend our money wisely. We don’t want to pay to see mottled flesh.”

The women have begun showing up to games with up to 50 other senior women and randomly heckling Sox players about their physiques. It was readily apparent during last night’s Sox sweep (10-1 and 12-6) of the Americans.

Boom Boom Balboni: Sex Symbol

“We heard rumors that Sox management was going to sign Steve Balboni. Now, he’s a sexy guy,” said Hettie of the former major leaguer. “So, when we get teased and nothing happens, we get upset. We’re going to heckle until we see some cute asses out there. I’d even take Elrod Hendricks at this point.”

Bettie then reminded her sister that the former Orioles’ back-up catcher died two years ago.

“Well, whatever. You get my point,” said Hettie.

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

2008
04/29
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Women’s Bra a Flop

Fairfax, VA—The Gray Sox marketing department has a lot of explaining to do. Last year, millions of dollars were spent on extensive research to lure more women to the ballpark and make them feel comfortable at the same time. “We discovered that women wanted to feel like they were part of the game,” said a Gray Sox marketing manager who asked that his name not be used in this story. He has since resigned from his post. “After a night of binge drinking, a couple of my superiors thought it might be interesting to develop a bra crafted from leather baseball mitts. They’d come in a range of sizes just like real mitts do, with a catcher’s mitt covering the most flesh and infield mitts for women with, well, less going on. I thought it was a terrible idea.”

Thousands Made, No Breasts to Support

Despite some internal reservations, the bras came to fruition and thousands were manufactured in Asia and shipped to Gray Sox headquarters. They retailed for $39.99. To date, only three bras have been sold, all to the same woman, Mi Ti Li (pictured), who told a reporter that she seldom wears the bra except to Sox games. “Leather smells okay to me,” she said.

Bras Just Not Flattering

Most women suggested that the bra doesn’t exactly flatter them. “Try putting a blouse over those things,” said Helen Burnitsky, an avid Sox fan. “It looks like you’re trying to conceal an old pair of Chuck Taylors. I’d rather wear a [expletive] sandwich board.”

 

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

2008
04/23
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Fans Injured During “Angry Badger Night”

Fairfax, VA—It was supposed to have been a night of magic. But for some, an evening at Gray Sox Park turned into mayhem. While the Gray Sox took care of the barnstorming Kyoto Golden Islands, 14-1 and 10-3 in a double-header, the team’s special promotions department was busy explaining why “Angry Badger Night” turned into a nightmare for some.

“It’s a long-standing tradition that has obviously run its course,” said Timmy Timlonson, manager of the Gray Sox. “I used to love Angry Badger Night, but it’s getting a little out of hand.”

Tradition Spawned First “Wave”

The tradition started in 1972, when an itinerant farmer brought his pet badger to see the Gray Sox play. Several fans berated the farmer for carrying the blanket-swaddled badger like an infant. The farmer released the badger into the stands, and the notoriously cranky animal ran up and down each row nipping at the heels of fans. Some say this is the first instance in America of “the wave,” as the Gray Sox faithful rose from their seats to avoid the badger’s sharp teeth.

“It became like the Running of the Bulls for the Gray Sox,” said Sox owner Hiram “Happy” Maloney last night. “Every year we invited the farmer back to unleash his badger and get the fans riled up for another exciting year of Sox baseball. The fans rose, they screamed, and they peed themselves to get away from the creature. Billy the Badger was a hit, and he never once drew blood.”

That is, until last night.

Billy the Badger VII, foaming at the mouth when released from his cage, allegedly went on a rampage that few in the stands will soon forget. “Billy was unkind to us,” said Paunchy Rodriguez, who was bitten on the left buttock. “It’s like he was a real angry badger or something, a Satan badger.”

Supporters of the badger say the mammal is merely misunderstood. “How can you blame a badger for doing what comes naturally?” said Sox catcher and team spokesman Jimmy “Dinks” Knowlan, who watched the chaos from the on-deck circle. “Seems to me that a badger can’t get a break these days.”

 

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

2008
04/22
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Crotch-Grabbing Banned | Sox Players Now Unsure What to Do With Their Hands

Fairfax, VA—In effort to sanitize the fans’ experience at the ballpark, Gray Sox management has banned crotch-grabbing. The act has become as synonymous with baseball as hot dogs and the seventh-inning stretch, but Sox president Hiram “Happy” Maloney believes that this is one habit players will have live without. “It’s become a little excessive, in my opinion,” said Maloney on Sunday morning when pressed by reporters as he left church with his wife Sissy. “I played ball for 25 years and never once found the need to yank and toil with my nethers. I had more important things to do on the ball field, like win baseball games. I’m suggesting the Sox do the same. I don’t care what these boys do with their free hands when they’re not playing baseball. But when they put on the gray and black, they need to understand that grabbing is prohibited. If I were still playing, I wouldn’t do anything that would embarrass my sweet Sissy.”

An Itch That Can’t Be Scratched

Many believe the crotch-grabbing ban was brought on by the excessive attention former Sox outfielder Momo Pepe paid to the front of his pants last season. During one game in late June, a catchable ball dropped in front of the outfielder because he was obviously toying with his pants. Video later showed that Pepe did, in fact, get his right pinkie lodged in his zipper and couldn’t get it out in time to make the catch. “That’s all water under the bridge, and I think it’s all a little overblown,” said Sox catcher and team spokesperson Jimmy “Dinks” Knowlan. “I’ve talked to many of my teammates, and they’re confused. Frankly, they’re not sure what they’re going to do with their hands this season. Just what the hell are they supposed to do when they have to make adjustments? It’s like having an itch you can’t scratch. It’s frustrating, I’ll tell you that.” 

Crotch Grab? Expect a Fine

Maloney noted that all Sox players will be fined $5,000 for each “grabbing” infraction. He did not say what the penalty would be for repeat offenders and only noted that players need to exhibit “a little self control.”

 

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

2008
04/21
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Drunk Hillbilly Night Postponed

crazed fan

 

Fairfax, VA—The season opener for the Sox was postponed on Sunday, which also washed out the team’s first promotion, the popular “Drunk Hillbilly Night.” For more than 25 years, dim-witted fans from the holler have taken a break from chopping countless cords of firewood and shooting feral cats to trek to the first Sox game of the season. The first 250 drunk hillbillies at the game are given empty beer bottles and are asked to do what comes naturally. “As they say in the holler, it’s quite a hootenanny,” said Sox owner Hiram “Happy” Maloney. “Some hillbillies break the bottles over the head of the guy sitting next to him; some will try to impale Shempy the Sock, our hand-puppet mascot; and some will simply try to screw the bottles into each ear for no apparent reason. Last year, we gave a case of Shempy burgers to a hillbilly who drilled the bottles into her ear canals. It was great family fun and just the type of good time Hillbilly Night represents.”

 

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

2008
04/08
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Sox Cut “Momo Pepe” | Fans of Monkey Upset, Threaten Team Boycott

Sox Monkey Right Fielder

Fairfax, VA—As the Gray Sox prepared for their season opener against the Washington Red Sox on Sunday, it was revealed late Wednesday that the team’s last cut was long-time right fielder “Momo Pepe,” a chimp who broke in with the team in the late 1980s. Momo, a fan favorite, was given the news by team owner Hiram “Happy” Maloney because team manager Timmy Timlonson, who had played with Momo in the Costa Rican Rain Forest League during the 1970s, was so upset that he could not give the chimp the news himself.          “Momo has lost a step, and it’s clear that his personal life has impacted his game,” said Maloney. “No one wanted to see this day come, but I think Momo has some other options with teams in this league. We wanted to cut him loose now, so he could explore those options.” Momo Pepe shattered an ankle in an off-season ATV accident at his home outside of Las Vegas, and Las Vegas police said he was incoherent when medics arrived, probably due to alcohol. Momo Pepe refused a breathalyzer. The Sox former right fielder also has been linked to comedienne Phyllis Diller, who requested a restraining order against the chimp last fall after he was spotted, according to Hollywood police, “urinating on Ms. Diller’s Mercedes and humping her mailbox.”  “If Momo goes, I go,” said a visibly shaken Sox fan, Cassie Gaines, 27, on the streets outside The Shrine, home field of the Sox.  Another fan, Karl Kasselbaum, 39, held a homemade sign that read: “Slapping the Monkey Is a Sin!”

 

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

2008
04/03
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Sox Fan Sues Team | “Over-Clapping” Blamed

Woman Sues Sox 

Fairfax, VA—Betty Lynn Bernanski swears she clapped so hard at Gray Sox games last year that her right hand became deformed. “Like a crab claw,” said the 26 year old who claims to be a lifetime Sox fan. The woman is suing the franchise for several million dollars, according to her attorney Marty Brown. “Betty Lynn can’t even pet her cats without poking them in the eyes. They run from her when she returns to her apartment after work,” said Brown. “It’s all because of the Sox. The team edged her on for support, and she gave it to them. This is a classic case of over-clapping.”           “I’m not sure we’ve even seen this woman before,” said Sox owner Hiram “Happy” Maloney. “We’ve given her nothing to clap about anyway.”

 

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

2008
04/01
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