Fairfax, VA—A long-time member of the Gray Sox field crew, Frederico Farrenparra, 36, was found yesterday morning by fellow workers rolled up in a tarp that he had survived inside for five days. After an initial investigation, it appears Farrenparra, who is only 4 feet, 9 inches, tumbled into the tarp as the field crew rushed to uncover the diamond after a recent Gray Sox rain delay. “We were rolling up the tarp so fast, because the umpires wanted to get the game in. I slipped into the green tarp. My buddies just kept rolling it up,” said Farrenparra, who once worked as canon fodder for Ringling Brothers Circus. “I guess they didn’t see me, even though I was kicking my legs and screaming like an angry baby.”
Size May Have Been a Factor
Field crew chief Bobby Sissle could not be reached for comment yesterday, but sources close to Sissle, who is known to be one of the best tarp rollers in North America and even teaches clinics on the subject, said he was upset about quiet allegations of misconduct. “Bobby is a quick tarp roller, everyone knows that,” said the source. “He said Frederico is kind of small and slow, and he just got swept up in the tsunami of green plastic. Hey, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before.”
Prayer, Centipedes, and Rain Water
Farrenparra said he survived by praying nonstop, eating centipedes that crossed his path, and slurping rain water trapped inside the tarp. “I could breathe, so it wasn’t too bad. Plus, I began to feel like a moth, so I prayed to the patron saint of moths, Saint Pablo.” The saint, born is 1842, was known to have an uncanny ability to domesticate moths. He took swarms of them for walks in his native Dominican village. He achieved canonization for teaching moths to rest for hours on his enormous ears.
A Man-Moth Emerges
A witness, who didn’t want his name used, said Farrenparra emerged from the tarp squinting and flapping his arms “very much like a moth.” Farrenparra also climbed a light pole to be “as close to the light as possible,” according to the witness.
(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)