Crotch-Grabbing Banned | Sox Players Now Unsure What to Do With Their Hands

Fairfax, VA—In effort to sanitize the fans’ experience at the ballpark, Gray Sox management has banned crotch-grabbing. The act has become as synonymous with baseball as hot dogs and the seventh-inning stretch, but Sox president Hiram “Happy” Maloney believes that this is one habit players will have live without. “It’s become a little excessive, in my opinion,” said Maloney on Sunday morning when pressed by reporters as he left church with his wife Sissy. “I played ball for 25 years and never once found the need to yank and toil with my nethers. I had more important things to do on the ball field, like win baseball games. I’m suggesting the Sox do the same. I don’t care what these boys do with their free hands when they’re not playing baseball. But when they put on the gray and black, they need to understand that grabbing is prohibited. If I were still playing, I wouldn’t do anything that would embarrass my sweet Sissy.”

An Itch That Can’t Be Scratched

Many believe the crotch-grabbing ban was brought on by the excessive attention former Sox outfielder Momo Pepe paid to the front of his pants last season. During one game in late June, a catchable ball dropped in front of the outfielder because he was obviously toying with his pants. Video later showed that Pepe did, in fact, get his right pinkie lodged in his zipper and couldn’t get it out in time to make the catch. “That’s all water under the bridge, and I think it’s all a little overblown,” said Sox catcher and team spokesperson Jimmy “Dinks” Knowlan. “I’ve talked to many of my teammates, and they’re confused. Frankly, they’re not sure what they’re going to do with their hands this season. Just what the hell are they supposed to do when they have to make adjustments? It’s like having an itch you can’t scratch. It’s frustrating, I’ll tell you that.” 

Crotch Grab? Expect a Fine

Maloney noted that all Sox players will be fined $5,000 for each “grabbing” infraction. He did not say what the penalty would be for repeat offenders and only noted that players need to exhibit “a little self control.”


(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

  1. that is one hell of a title 😀
    wonder if it applies to rappers as well.

    • Itchy
    • April 21st, 2008

    It’s almost like trying to stop smoking.Is there a nutty buddy patch?

    • Cripple
    • April 21st, 2008

    What’s going to happen to all the money that’ll be collected as fines? May I suggest an end-of-season blow-out in Vegas.

    Hopefully, our 3rd baseman will keep his glove on his hand instead making full adjustments to his nutty buddy between pitches!!

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