Posts Tagged ‘ new green bats ’

Sox Save Environment | New “Green” Bats Introduced

Green baseball bats help save environment


Fairfax, VA—As the 2008 season gets underway, the Gray Sox are doing their part to lower carbon emissions and save the planet by introducing “true” wooden bats. The team hired several inmates on a work-release program to troll local forests for “heavy limbs and sturdy branches that might be used for hitting baseballs a very long way,” according to team owner Hiram “Happy” Maloney. “We’ve been looking for ways to make a statement about our desire to reduce the team’s carbon footprint, and this made so much sense,” he said. Traditional baseball bats are run through lathes that spin and cut select pieces of timber (usually ash or maple) into hitting tools adored by ballplayers worldwide. Most bats are also painted with a clear or dark shellac. “We decided to use raw materials—no lathes, no shellac, no fancy wood,” said Maloney. “Granted, my ballplayers can typically only use these bats once, but these sticks say a lot about how important the earth is to me personally, and how we might be struggling financially.” The bats have received mixed reviews from the players. “Well, they’re not like any bat I’ve ever used,” said Sox player spokesman Jimmy “Dinks” Knowlan. “They’re sticks that were collected by old drunk guys in the woods. They might be suitable for a bonfire, but I’m not sure about their usefulness at the plate. If we were swatting crabapples, sure, the idea would work. But—well, I really don’t want to comment any further. They are what they are.”  


(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)