Sox Players Heckled by Dirty Old Women

Fairfax, VA–Hettie and Bettie O’Banyon have been Gray Sox fans since the early 1970s, when Hettie, 72, fell in love with Sox outfielder Francisco “Lil Pepe” Guitierrez. “He was as brown as my boot, but I loved him dearly,” said O’Banyon. “He rubbed up against me during an autograph session. He smelled like burnt toast and Hi Karate. I fell for him right there.” O’Banyon and Guiterrez had a torrid relationship that lasted several years, until the Sox outfielder was deported to his native Dominican Republic for allegedly running a chicken-packaging operation from his refrigerated Pinto.

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

These days, Hettie and her sister Bettie, 74, are still passionate about a team that they believe has let them down. “There used to be cute boys on the Sox,” said Bettie. “But now they’re just average. They barely fill out their tight pants. And when they do fill them out, the proportions are all wrong. It looks like they’re smuggling deflated basketballs or dead rabbits. My sister and I are on fixed incomes, and we need to spend our money wisely. We don’t want to pay to see mottled flesh.”

The women have begun showing up to games with up to 50 other senior women and randomly heckling Sox players about their physiques. It was readily apparent during last night’s Sox sweep (10-1 and 12-6) of the Americans.

Boom Boom Balboni: Sex Symbol

“We heard rumors that Sox management was going to sign Steve Balboni. Now, he’s a sexy guy,” said Hettie of the former major leaguer. “So, when we get teased and nothing happens, we get upset. We’re going to heckle until we see some cute asses out there. I’d even take Elrod Hendricks at this point.”

Bettie then reminded her sister that the former Orioles’ back-up catcher died two years ago.

“Well, whatever. You get my point,” said Hettie.

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

    • Marvin “Bitty Bomber” Cipher
    • April 29th, 2008

    Hey – don’t get me wrong, but I can’t stand those OLD Hecklers – they won’t pay me any attention and I’ve laid on my best lines that I learned from G-Love or Mr. W. Those hot old ladies don’t want to watch the game the Sox put on the field, they just want to look AT the Sox that get on the field. It’s sort of disgusting if you asked me – old women looking at tight butts rounding third in such an undulating way that makes those polyester unis fill and unfill in all the wrong places – I mean that new #18, now that’s a boy that looks slim in that uni – not that I’m looking that way at him, it’s just the old bitties make those comments about him.
    by the way – that NY photo, you know if you put a golf jacket on the man it just might look a little bit more like #22 Erik for the Sox – hey I’m just repeating what I hear from those old bitties that I’ve been hitting on in the stands. Here’s my point – one of you Sox has got to tighten up your ass to appease the Old Ladies and they’ll get off your backs so you can concentrate on the game . . . and then maybe I’ll get a little action!

    • Cripple
    • April 29th, 2008

    Maybe they were upset that Dinks wasn’t playing?

    • wilber wood
    • May 2nd, 2008

    maybe we need to go to pinstripes,makes us look more slimmer.or maybe the lousey lights at fx make us look fat.I doubt that,we are fat

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