Drunk Hillbilly Night Postponed

crazed fan

 

Fairfax, VA—The season opener for the Sox was postponed on Sunday, which also washed out the team’s first promotion, the popular “Drunk Hillbilly Night.” For more than 25 years, dim-witted fans from the holler have taken a break from chopping countless cords of firewood and shooting feral cats to trek to the first Sox game of the season. The first 250 drunk hillbillies at the game are given empty beer bottles and are asked to do what comes naturally. “As they say in the holler, it’s quite a hootenanny,” said Sox owner Hiram “Happy” Maloney. “Some hillbillies break the bottles over the head of the guy sitting next to him; some will try to impale Shempy the Sock, our hand-puppet mascot; and some will simply try to screw the bottles into each ear for no apparent reason. Last year, we gave a case of Shempy burgers to a hillbilly who drilled the bottles into her ear canals. It was great family fun and just the type of good time Hillbilly Night represents.”

 

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

Sox Cut “Momo Pepe” | Fans of Monkey Upset, Threaten Team Boycott

Sox Monkey Right Fielder

Fairfax, VA—As the Gray Sox prepared for their season opener against the Washington Red Sox on Sunday, it was revealed late Wednesday that the team’s last cut was long-time right fielder “Momo Pepe,” a chimp who broke in with the team in the late 1980s. Momo, a fan favorite, was given the news by team owner Hiram “Happy” Maloney because team manager Timmy Timlonson, who had played with Momo in the Costa Rican Rain Forest League during the 1970s, was so upset that he could not give the chimp the news himself.          “Momo has lost a step, and it’s clear that his personal life has impacted his game,” said Maloney. “No one wanted to see this day come, but I think Momo has some other options with teams in this league. We wanted to cut him loose now, so he could explore those options.” Momo Pepe shattered an ankle in an off-season ATV accident at his home outside of Las Vegas, and Las Vegas police said he was incoherent when medics arrived, probably due to alcohol. Momo Pepe refused a breathalyzer. The Sox former right fielder also has been linked to comedienne Phyllis Diller, who requested a restraining order against the chimp last fall after he was spotted, according to Hollywood police, “urinating on Ms. Diller’s Mercedes and humping her mailbox.”  “If Momo goes, I go,” said a visibly shaken Sox fan, Cassie Gaines, 27, on the streets outside The Shrine, home field of the Sox.  Another fan, Karl Kasselbaum, 39, held a homemade sign that read: “Slapping the Monkey Is a Sin!”

 

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

Sox Fan Sues Team | “Over-Clapping” Blamed

Woman Sues Sox 

Fairfax, VA—Betty Lynn Bernanski swears she clapped so hard at Gray Sox games last year that her right hand became deformed. “Like a crab claw,” said the 26 year old who claims to be a lifetime Sox fan. The woman is suing the franchise for several million dollars, according to her attorney Marty Brown. “Betty Lynn can’t even pet her cats without poking them in the eyes. They run from her when she returns to her apartment after work,” said Brown. “It’s all because of the Sox. The team edged her on for support, and she gave it to them. This is a classic case of over-clapping.”           “I’m not sure we’ve even seen this woman before,” said Sox owner Hiram “Happy” Maloney. “We’ve given her nothing to clap about anyway.”

 

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

Sox Save Environment | New “Green” Bats Introduced

Green baseball bats help save environment

 

Fairfax, VA—As the 2008 season gets underway, the Gray Sox are doing their part to lower carbon emissions and save the planet by introducing “true” wooden bats. The team hired several inmates on a work-release program to troll local forests for “heavy limbs and sturdy branches that might be used for hitting baseballs a very long way,” according to team owner Hiram “Happy” Maloney. “We’ve been looking for ways to make a statement about our desire to reduce the team’s carbon footprint, and this made so much sense,” he said. Traditional baseball bats are run through lathes that spin and cut select pieces of timber (usually ash or maple) into hitting tools adored by ballplayers worldwide. Most bats are also painted with a clear or dark shellac. “We decided to use raw materials—no lathes, no shellac, no fancy wood,” said Maloney. “Granted, my ballplayers can typically only use these bats once, but these sticks say a lot about how important the earth is to me personally, and how we might be struggling financially.” The bats have received mixed reviews from the players. “Well, they’re not like any bat I’ve ever used,” said Sox player spokesman Jimmy “Dinks” Knowlan. “They’re sticks that were collected by old drunk guys in the woods. They might be suitable for a bonfire, but I’m not sure about their usefulness at the plate. If we were swatting crabapples, sure, the idea would work. But—well, I really don’t want to comment any further. They are what they are.”  

 

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

Wrong Allen Asked to Throw Out First Pitch

martyold.jpgFairfax, VA—An embarrassing mistake for Gray Sox team officials came to light early Wednesday morning when it was revealed that washed-up comedian Marty Allen was asked to throw out the first pitch on opening day April 6. A Gray Sox official confirmed that a junior PR staff member was supposed to ask baseball great Dick Allen to make the ceremonial toss, but confused the two men. “The junior staff member clearly made a mistake and contacted Marty’s people instead of Dick’s people,” said a chagrined Buddy “Buzz” Mangrove, vice president of marketing for the ball club. “It certainly surprised me that Marty Allen was asked to throw out the first pitch, but what surprised me even more is that Marty is still alive. I thought he died from food poisoning. I guess that was some other regular on the Hollywood Squares.” Mangrove was later told by reporters that Allen still performs in Vegas and was not a regular on Hollywood Squares. What’s truly baffling team officials is how the junior staff member could have confused Marty Allen with baseball great and sideburn legend Dick Allen.Image of Dick Allen, baseball player for Oakland Athletics

Word from Marty Allen’s PR representatives in Las Vegas has been a mix of befuddlement and earnest conviction. “When we first heard about the request from the Gray Sox, Mr. Allen said, ‘Enough wid dis baseball and da leather and the balls already. Gimme a good Asian back rub!’ He then welled up with tears and cried like a baby in my lap for several minutes. He was touched by the Sox gesture,” said Allen spokesman Morty Mortensen. “While Mr. Allen has to open a Waffle House just beyond the Strip the same day, he’s more than willing to fly anywhere in the world to honor the game of baseball.” Gray Sox player rep and spokesman, Jimmy “Dinks” Knowlan, will be receiving the first pitch from Marty Allen. “I just hope the old guy doesn’t have a stroke on the mound,” he said. “I don’t know a lick of CPR.”

 

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

Mascot Controversy | Old-School Gray Sock Puppet vs. Upstart Squirrel

Gray Sox Mascot “Shempy” Might Be Given the Boot
 
 
Fairfax, VA—The Gray Sox front office announced today that the team’s mascot, “Shempy Sox,” could be replaced after 35 years of service. The mascot, which is a hand puppet crafted from an old gray sock, might be ousted by “Stiffy the Squirrel,” a favorite of team owner, Hiram “Happy” Maloney.
   

Shempy During Happier Times | Sock Puppet Mascot
Is Shempy Too Old School?
“Shempy has been a great mascot for decades, but his time has probably passed. He’s not something that can be marketed successfully to children,” said a spokesman for the team’s front office. “We had reports that kids have become increasingly afraid of Shempy. They cower when they see him roaming the stands, either because they can’t identify with sock puppets or his grin remains frozen like some sort of cotton mummy from the laundry crypt. He’s even begun to get hate mail, especially after that incident last summer in the stands.” The incident involved a sock puppeteer hired by the team. The man allegedly had too much to drink and was using Shempy Sox to inappropriately touch several women at the ballpark. An investigation followed, but no charges were filed. The puppeteer was later re-assigned to field crew duties with the team. “He’s fine with work gloves on the job—just not socks that serve as hand puppets,” said the spokesman.
Sox Players Speak Out
The Gray Sox players have mixed feelings about their team mascot. “Shempy’s been nothing but good for my career. He’s given me inspiration,” said team spokesperson, Jimmy “Dinks” Knowlan. “When I was a boy, I played with Shempy Sox hand puppets for hours, just dreaming of the day I could play semi-pro baseball and meet the real Shempy up close. I know he’s not glamorous like other mascots in our league—I guess it’s no secret that I’ve never had any use for Monty the Marmot, the mascot for the 7 Stars—but Shempy is all we’ve ever known, and that’s been good enough for me. I’d miss that old gray sock if he ever went away.”
Stiffy the Squirrel is more marketable, according to many in the Sox front office. “I can see his face on tee shirts, hats, coffee mugs, Frisbees, key chains, bandanas, flags, men’s and women’s apparel, and any other canvas ripe for Gray Sox promotion,” said Maloney.

Stiffy the Squirrel Working Out | Stuffed Squirrel in a Canoe
Stiffy: New Breed of Fun-Loving Squirrel
“Stiffy is lovable and fun, and kids will take to him in a minute,” Maloney continued. “It’s hard to get the warm fuzzies from a gray sock, but a squirrel will make you laugh with his antics, and he’ll warm your heart with how hard he tries. Those characteristics mirror this baseball club, and fans—especially children—will embrace this lovable squirrel.”
Fan Can Decide
The public will get a chance to weigh in. The Gray Sox have announced they will honor a vote by the team’s legion of fans regarding Shempy’s fate.
To vote, simply state right here whether Shempy should stay or go. We will announce results before the team’s opening day, April 6.
(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)

Pilgrimage for Buddy | Sox Player Goes to Hollywood

 buddyhackett5.jpg Fairfax, VA—Gray Sox third baseman Greg Grimes broke from his spring-training ritual of arranging stuffed animals for small children and spent Easter weekend in Hollywood, California, hoping to raise awareness about Buddy Hackett’s death. “Buddy has been gone for nearly two years, and I don’t hear many people commenting about it. They’re just going about their daily lives as if Buddy were still around. He’s not. He’s very much dead, and I just want people to know that his genius is gone.”  Grimes spent Easter weekend lying next to Hackett’s star in Hollywood and handing out leaflets that touted the late comedian’s movies and TV appearances. “I’m doing my part to spread the word. If just one person remembers those crossed eyes of his, then my trip will have been worth it,” said Grimes.

(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)