Fans Injured During “Angry Badger Night”
Fairfax, VA—It was supposed to have been a night of magic. But for some, an evening at Gray Sox Park turned into mayhem. While the Gray Sox took care of the barnstorming Kyoto Golden Islands, 14-1 and 10-3 in a double-header, the team’s special promotions department was busy explaining why “Angry Badger Night” turned into a nightmare for some.
“It’s a long-standing tradition that has obviously run its course,” said Timmy Timlonson, manager of the Gray Sox. “I used to love Angry Badger Night, but it’s getting a little out of hand.”
Tradition Spawned First “Wave”
The tradition started in 1972, when an itinerant farmer brought his pet badger to see the Gray Sox play. Several fans berated the farmer for carrying the blanket-swaddled badger like an infant. The farmer released the badger into the stands, and the notoriously cranky animal ran up and down each row nipping at the heels of fans. Some say this is the first instance in America of “the wave,” as the Gray Sox faithful rose from their seats to avoid the badger’s sharp teeth.
“It became like the Running of the Bulls for the Gray Sox,” said Sox owner Hiram “Happy” Maloney last night. “Every year we invited the farmer back to unleash his badger and get the fans riled up for another exciting year of Sox baseball. The fans rose, they screamed, and they peed themselves to get away from the creature. Billy the Badger was a hit, and he never once drew blood.”
That is, until last night.
Billy the Badger VII, foaming at the mouth when released from his cage, allegedly went on a rampage that few in the stands will soon forget. “Billy was unkind to us,” said Paunchy Rodriguez, who was bitten on the left buttock. “It’s like he was a real angry badger or something, a Satan badger.”
Supporters of the badger say the mammal is merely misunderstood. “How can you blame a badger for doing what comes naturally?” said Sox catcher and team spokesman Jimmy “Dinks” Knowlan, who watched the chaos from the on-deck circle. “Seems to me that a badger can’t get a break these days.”
(Story by Monty Huekle, a reporter for BBN. This story was not subject to the approval of MSBL or its clubs.)
Fleshy Men In Polyester 
Will Satan badger target short sudden movements on the field to cure Sox players of their grabby-crotch hands?
As Knowlan says, “you can’t blame him for doing what comes naturally.” The same could be said for the ban on crotch grabbing—a tradition I, as a fan, thoroughly enjoy. I move that we bring back both the badger and the pocket pool. All in favor?